With the holiday season in full-swing now, my Facebook feed and Pinterest boards are full to overflowing with people sharing their holiday traditions. While we have some of our own, there are some that I can’t get onboard with. Follow along with the traditions I say,
“Awww…hellz naw” “No thank you” to. #1 on my hit list…this guy.
I thank God that my kids are older and I don’t have to get involved with this tomfoolery. No way in hell I’d remember to put this thing in a different, “Oh, you naughty elf” scenario each night. There are days when I go shopping with my slippers on. Not because I’m looking to have my picture show up on “People of Walmart”, but because I honest to God forget to put on my shoes before I leave the house. Plus it’s creepy as hell. It’s supposed to be watching your kids and reporting back to Santa? The only thing my kids ever needed to be afraid of when they were behaving badly was me.
#2. Fruitcake. Why, people…why? The modern fruitcake is an abomination of everything that’s good and holy on Christmas. I get that it’s historical…yada yada yada..what are the bright green things, guys? Pineapple isn’t green. Cherries aren’t green..candied bits of what? And why does it weigh so much? Something in a tinfoil brick shouldn’t weigh more than a healthy toddler. Ugh. I hate orange peel and raisins and my kid is allergic to nuts. Keep these bastardized versions of what was once probably a nice cake to yourself.
#3. The family newsletter. Truthfully, I’m glad you’re all happy and got to spend another fabulous summer on the coast of Greece and that little Suzie and Tommy are once again at the top of their classes and both achieved their black belts before the age of 12. Really. But be aware that with the advent of Facebook, I know full well that Tommy fancies himself the new Eminem and posts multiple selfies throwing gang signs and bragging about all of the ho’s he has to fight off. ps…Tell little Suzie that the goth look is so last year.
#4. Ugly Christmas sweaters. I don’t do acrylics. Not even for one night.
#5. Eggnog. Because I don’t see the spirit in giving my whole family the gift of salmonella for Christmas. And also? I can’t drink anything that smells like an omelette with Cool-Whip.