So here’s the thing, I’ve been a butthead.

I’m sort of, maybe, possibly, trying to quit smoking.  Oh, what?  You didn’t know I smoked?  Well I do, and have for most of my adult life, with the exception of when both kids were small.  I don’t smoke in the house, I don’t smoke in the car, but I do smoke.  It’s always been that fall back crutch for me.  Too stressed with an autisitc child and a super busy NT (neuro-typical) child..smoke.  Divorce stress..smoke.  Bills stress..smoke.  I always had an excuse.  I’ve quit a bunch of times, sometimes for months, sometimes for hours.  But I’ve had in my mind on and off for the last few weeks that this has to be it.

I’m 45 in March and thanks be to God, have up to this point dodged most health bullets shot my way.  But it’s become more and more apparent to me that my free passes are going to come to an end here some day and that reality scares me to death.  Every year I get a full checkup, from stem to stern and get a clean bill of health, but for how long?  How many free passes do you get before your stupid, still smoking a** ends up in a situation you can’t get yourself out of with some vitamins or maybe an anitbiotic?

So I’ve been working at it for a little while now.  Maybe popping a nicotine lozenge when I get home in the morning with my coffee instead of a cigarette.  I started knitting again a few weeks ago in anticipation of having to have something to do with my hands.  I’ve downloaded a good app on my phone that shows how much money you’ll save and how your body will recover day by day as quit.  I’ve prayed.  I don’t want to die and leave my kids, especially Hallee, who needs me to live forever.  I know what it feels like to lose a parent before you’re ready, and it’s awful.

And as a couponer, what’s the point of trying to save money if I’m just going to blow it on cigarettes?  There isn’t one.  It’s stupid.  It’s selfish.  It’s dangerous.  I know all of this, but am going to need to be reminded, probably quite often.  I haven’t put a quit date on the calendar.  I haven’t done a count down of any kind.  I just have tried to change some behaviors, some daily routines and have gone with the attitude that if I do quit, great.  If I can’t, then I’ll try again.

Today for the first time in forever, I didn’t buy a new pack when I started running low.  I just really didn’t want to.  I had plenty of lozenges here at home, I had plenty to keep me busy and I wanted to keep that $6 in my wallet.  So I didn’t by any.  I drove by the store and came home.  And when I went outside to smoke that last one, I thought about it long and hard and threw it away instead.  That way it was my choice.  Not  because I was out and HAD to stop, but because it was my choice.  It’s such a mental thing.

So here I am.  Doing fine.  Actually feeling kind of proud of myself.  I don’t feel stressed, or worried.  I just feel relieved right now.  So maybe if you’ve done it, too..feel free to share your tips and tricks with me.  Stress relievers, diet, exercise, you name it, I’m open to trying it.  And if you see me out and about and I look like I want to throw an elbow or kick a puppy, this is probably why.  Sorry in advance.

Ally

About Ally

Bangor mom. BDN blogger. Volvo lover. Coffee drinker.